Sylvia Plath very famously wrote, “I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”
And somehow these words stuck with us, without any context, without any evident metaphor or point being made.
A state of being. The sheer pride of existence in the moment of now. We are so busy thinking about how we got here, and how to get away from here. But what are we right now? In this very moment.
A spur of life, a turmoil of emotions, a commotion of thoughts, an outburst of creativity, a shiver of inhibition, a glance of longing, a sigh, a nudge, a smile, a wink, a tear. Hell, even something indescribable. But the fact of the matter is. I am. You are. We are. And that in itself is exhilarating and daunting, and above all, enough. And what tears us apart, is that we refuse to take pride, to “brag” like Plath, in the very lack of purpose, but the vividness of potential.
Escapism runs through our veins, propelled by the alcohol, nicotine, serotonin; the carbon dioxide that is choking you, paralyzing you, making you rush into the “open air”. Escaping is a joke, for you hop from one hamster wheel to another. Running in circles, for the entertainment of your captor, which may as well be your alter ego. And you forget that you are. And you fear that you will not be. Or worse, you will be. And so you run in the same spot. For you must be. Or better, cease to be. Fierce or sedentary, with a billion excuses. And you stay, as you are (not), as you fear to be. And you wonder, why you are the way you are (not). A manifestation of prolonged wishful thinking, merely discarding existentialism. And for what? Because the answer is hardly ever yourself.
Trains of thoughts will never stop. You can decide whether you want to pop your head out the window as you ride to your (temporary) destination, or lie on the track as you crumble underneath them. Sometimes, you might not know where you’re headed, sometimes you’ll derail, and more often than not, you’ll bump into another train. But there remain abundant possibilities as long as you hop on and attempt to take charge, while there is only one inevitable outcome if you decide to let them take charge. And these thoughts will try their best to create a chaotic warp of tracks. Taking you to stations you can only glance at in a flash, but long enough to blur your windshield for the rest of the journey. They’ll try their best, to not let you be. To make you a constant state of flurry – rushing from one train to another. Or to make you devoid, waiting at a station forever with no luggage. But don’t forget, that all this is possible, only because you are. Because you can be. So as grotesque as it might seem, hop onto the train, or create a new one, for its bounds stretch in accordance with your wanderlust.
A million times we read and hear of how we must live in the moment – carpe diem, so we work on our impulses (heavily contemplating tenfold after the act). Believe me, seizing the moment is about seizing yourself, knowing who you are and living up to it. For you may be a speck of dust, but you’re passing through a million lights. Colours you don’t even comprehend exist, and believe me, you pass through them. You exuberate, reflect, absorb – in and out of sync with the billions of specks around you. And with unhinged curiosity gorge on the details, the gaps, the specks of specks. Because never will you see that very thing again, never will you be that very thing again.
So repeat to yourself, “I am, I am, I am.” For that is all you need to be.
© 2016 Drishti Soni All Rights Reserved